Hello fellow hipsters! I know you're just as devoted to the blessed way of the uppity as I am. I know your love for sea turtles directs your every choice. Therefore, I also know that you drive a Prius or a Chevy Spark or at best a Kia Soul. Some might say that either the corn cob underwear or the lack of meat in our diets causes us to be less of men. But we know, that being a real man is all about sensitivity and nurturing. Here's the thing though, the real men don't know that. The day is going to come, for every one of you who identify as men, when you feel challenged by a real man; when you feel shame for your weak frame and general lack of manhood in the shadow of a meat-eating gas-guzzler. And to make it all worse, when you go to make fun of these Chad characters so that you can feel better about yourself to your female roommate whom you depend on and secretly love because she reminds you of your mother but who wants to just be friends with you, you find that she is unable to hear you because Chad has her swooning so hard. But never fear my dear more evolved friends, I have written this post to teach you how to handle the situations where you feel challenged by those less evolved manly men out there.
First, let me start by presenting a stereotypical and purely-hypothetical-definetly-didn't-happen scenario of what these moments look like. So imagine you're out with the girl that you like so much that it's basically stalking but she has a flannel-wearing climate change-denying boyfriend which is totally not hard on your big soft heart. Then imagine you're out at the dog park with this poor put-upon angel who has been oppressed into watching her "boyfriend's" pitbulls. You saw her walking by your apartment with these dogs and grab up your best friend Greta the Pomeranian to meet her at the park. So, continuing in our imaginations here, you're just starting to have a deep and meaningful conversation about how to bring down the patriarchy when Mr. Everything-that's-wrong-with-the-world-today pulls up riding high in his Ram F-1 six-million Supra or whatever. He parks but keeps that engine running which probably kills a polar bear a minute and uses your eco-friendly Hyundai (look, you couldn't afford full electric in this imaginery scenerio) as a stepping stool to get down from his ozone fracking truck. Then he walks toward you with the kind of swagger that makes you just know he's a racist. And you start feeling overwhelmed by the thought of the polar bears dying, how this guy is kissing the girl you've been working towards asking out for six years, and how your Pomeranian is being eaten by the pitbulls. In your anxiety, all you can think to say is "nice truck" but you forgot to use the sarcastic tone probably because you know this guy could and would kick your gluten-free farm-fresh butt. He responds by saying something like, "Thanks brother, I just got it lifted by rerouting the auxiliary exhaust to the carbon blasters so that the spark plugs could grind the carburetor through the rotor's suspensionary transmission." Now that I've painted the picture, I am sure that you all can think of a time or a dozen times in your life when you've experienced just this sort of thing. But never fear I am going to teach you just the trick to turn this situation around and save face.
Don't go outside, just trash his type on reddit and let all your dark thoughts out in comment sections and let them have all the girls because you know that the real world is online. We call this the prairie dog approach and it keeps our kind alive for now. But never fear, our day of revenge will come when our numbers have grown enough and once we get the second amendment repealed.
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